The importance of respect

Raising your children in a different culture is a challenge in so many ways. As Indian immigrants living in the US, many of us struggle to teach our kids to speak our language, learn about religious practices and cultural values. For me, this challenge is amplified because my kids were not only born in the US, but they are also biologically half-American. As my husband is American (of European descent), Indian culture is only half their heritage. In some ways, it makes it easier for my kids because my husband and I understand that their identity is half-Indian, half-American. First-generation Indian Americans probably have a tougher time convincing their fully Indian parents that the American culture is also their heritage because they were born here.

Of all the things that we teach our kids in India, the one that is close to my heart is Respect. Growing up in India, I was taught to respect so many things around me. Firstly, to respect our parents for all that they do for us. Hinduism equates parents with God itself. Then to respect those elder to us, because wisdom comes with age. Yes, even those only a year or two older in India are addressed with respect. Everyone calls older people anna or akka (elder brother or sister) or auntie or uncle. No one older to you is ever addressed by their first name. We are also taught that special respect is due to teachers who go beyond their call of duty to teach us everything. Gurus or teachers are placed even higher than parents. Besides these, we were also taught to respect inanimate things like food, books, gadgets, the environment and pretty much everything around us for its contribution to our life. We are not allowed to waste food, touch our books with our feet, and once a year we worship during Auydha pooja – we worship all the inanimate objects (from cars to computers) that help us in our every day life.

The differences stemming from the collectivist philosophies of the East and the more individualistic ones of the West means that the emphasis for respect in the US is the individual. Here, children are taught to respect individuals no matter how big or small. Although completely commendable, this practice seems to have diluted to mean respecting just oneself. In the quest to teach children to respect everyone equally, the special respects due to a person because of their age, education, or experience is lost.  Of course, inanimate things are never considered deserving of respect in this culture.

When I was a graduate student here, I had to work with a physiotherapist to help ease my heel pain. The young man grabbed a couple of tall books (maybe they were phone books like the yellow pages) and asked me to stand on top of it. I was appalled! To me books, paper etc = knowledge = God. You do not touch them with your feet, let alone step on it! When I hesitated, the physiotherapist was confused. He had no idea what my problem was and I had to launch into a long explanation about it.

Today, I struggle to teach these concepts of respect to my American children. Living in India for a few years made a big difference because I had societal support in India. Everywhere they went in India, they were expected to address elders with respect. Everyone told them not to waste food and to respect their books and other things.  But, now that we are back here, I am alone in my efforts again and I worry that my children will forget those ways.

The hardest of these to teach American children is to not waste food. America is filled with an excess of food. Processed food is cheap and plentiful.  Kids in America do not think twice about wasting food. A few months ago, I saw a family get out of their car and throw half-eaten fast food into the trash nearby. There was a little boy, about 10 years old, who opened a bottle of “Simply Orange” orange juice, took a sip, replaced the cap and then threw it in the trash. One sip was all he took of the nearly 20 oz bottle! No matter how much I teach them otherwise, my children are constantly exposed to this culture of waste. Most American kids cannot wrap their heads around the fact that there are people in developing countries who do not get three square meals a day. Wasting food really upsets me because I myself have experienced what it feels like to not be able to afford food.

In the end, all I can do is to keep telling my kids about these things and hope that it will seep into their minds over time. My husband tells me that things were not so bad when he was young and that these values were also a part of the American culture some time ago. I believe that is true because of the compliments that I get from other American parents on the respectful behavior of my kids. Every time I go to a parent-teacher conference, the teachers never forget to tell me that both my kids are extremely respectful. It gives me hope and makes me proud. I guess we (my husband and I) must be doing something right after all.

“Show respect even to people who don’t deserve it; not as a reflection of their character but as a reflection of yours.” – Dave Willis





Continuous partial attention – its a thing

This thing that I do, where I pay half-attention to a bunch of things at the same time, moving on from one thing to another – I thought it was just me being lazy and inattentive. Apparently, its not. Its called “continuous partial attention” and its a thing. Even more weird – its supposed to be a good thing. Last week I attended a guest lecture at work given by this amazingly creative person – Krish Ashok. He introduced this concept to us and as he expounded on it, it sounded increasingly familiar to me. Its what I do so much of the time. Mr. Ashok talked about it in a very positive context. He alluded to it being a strategy to success in today’s fast moving world. I was just kind of shocked that it had a name, that too one coined way back in 1998. One thing to note is that continuous partial attention (CPA) is not the same as multitasking.

Multitasking is driven by a need to be more productive and efficient, basically to get more things done. CPA on the other hand, tends to be driven by a need to make sure we are not missing anything. I multitask a lot, even though I am completely aware that it doesn’t really confer the advantage that we think it does. Studies show that our brain is not really capable of doing several things with the same success as it would if it were to concentrate on one thing. I remember when people referred to multitasking as a special amazing skill (some still do) and then studies started trickling in about the ineffectiveness of multitasking. Today, there are articles about how multitasking might even have a detrimental effect on our brains. I find it amusing that many people continue to list multitasking as a strength in their resumes! Why do I still multitask? because it gives me a feeling that I am on top of everything, that I am making more progress in my to-do list. Its amazing how good we are at fooling ourselves.

Coming back to CPA, I have found myself thinking about it all the time since that guest lecture (well at least partially but almost continuously, while I paid partial attention to other stuff). It made me more mindful of when I am doing it and I realized that it has negative consequences as well, even though Mr.Ashok did not go into that (his lecture was on creativity, not cognitive science). I realized that CPA might be big contributor to my stress levels and might have an even greater impact on my chronic insomnia. Its probably why my mind refuses to settle down at night and keeps jumping from one thing to another like a monkey. Now that I am aware of it, I think I will take a moment every once in a while, to slow down and breathe. To tell myself its okay if I missed something.  Train myself to take more control over the habit. I do know that it is a relatively recent habit. I might have started doing it several years ago and I wonder if it is a side effect of parenting. I am forced to pay partial attention when my daughter is telling me something, while my son is asking me something else, and I have to watch the stove at the same time while my mother is calling me! Even though I allot special “kids time” every week to give them each my undivided attention, I have to admit that I survive on CPA the rest of the week!

So what are your thoughts on CPA? do you realize that you are doing it? -AB